Some days you just know the universe is going to dump all over you. You can feel it in your bones and you know sometime today, somewhere, you're going to take a shit kicking.
I was trolling through my Ottawa Citizen edition from Saturday (July 14 this year, smart ass, and who sez ya gotta read it immediately? Where is that written?)- so Saturday's edition and damn if I didn't come across John Tory's weekend shit kicking.
Last week John launched his website and his breathless camapign team sent out the rah rahs in a press release claiming John was breaking new ground in election websites and on and on. When I got the release I shuffled on over and took a peak. I went through it a couple of times, and I kept looking for the ground breaking stuff and all I kept getting was crap.
First the video. John, fire them. Real quick. You're not a bad looking dude but they worked over time to make you look washed out and your eyes - John those little slits made you look as if Dracula's mama had sewn 'em shut.
Then, when you started to talk about the Leader Board I flipped my eyes over to it and John - Don Valley West, the riding you want to take away from Kathleen Wynne? - John it didn't even make the top 10!!!!!!! Holy makinaw Sigmund - if Leadership Matters then someone on your campaign team in Don Valley and someone on your campaign team in the central office haven't quite got the beat down yet.
Your locker room speech egging everyone to get out there and sell reminds me of Amway commercials - and what the hell? Maybe it'll work. Go sell a membership folks. 5 points for each membership sold. The great race is on to see who racks up the biggest point total. We haven't had this much excitement in a race since Grandpa Charlie's teeth fell out while he and Granny Snert were gettin' it on in the back of the bus on a campaign whistle stop in Bolders Corners. But I digress. As Grandpa Charlie had to for a moment, too!
Anyway. Leadership Matters. People fart, cows moo and leadership matters. That insight brought to you by ......? Not you John - you're not that dumb. Hell, I didn't think you were even a little dumb, although doubt is starting to creep in. Leadership Matters? That's the profound wisdom on offer to the people of Ontari-ari-ario? This is tough. Really tough.
And that's what made the Ottawa Citizen piece such cruelty. What did it say about your website John? The one that's so innovative in its approach to politics? Oh Johnnie - here's what they said:
"Tory is pretty much the definition of the blue-suited businessman, but his party is trying to present him as a hip multi-media guy in the hope that young voters will find him attractive. It's like putting too much makeup and a mini-skirt on your Aunt Maude."
Oooo God that stings. Putting too much makeup and a mini-skirt on your Aunt Maude?
I won't say another word John - cruel and unusual punishment and all that.
But laddie, here's a suggestion for you - take a holiday. Maybe Dalton is right - time spent with your family is what normal Ontarians do during the summer. So spit out that silver spoon, John, and you and Barbara go cozy up to a lake with a dozen good books and each other and maybe in September it will start to go better. For sure it can't go a whole lot worse.
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John Tory would probably have to ask his mother first. When he lost weight he kept referring to making his mother happy - duh? Respect your mother yes, but to still answer to her and expect to considered a leader is a little rich.
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